Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
