I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It's just like the Real World with babies
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
