My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
