I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
