she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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