Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
