dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
