and she was petting her beer can
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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