my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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