There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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