Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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