you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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