youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
