"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
