If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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