I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
