I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
