my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
