Heybabeimwearingurpanties
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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