Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Nicole vs. Life
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
