From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
