Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
