I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
