do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
