is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
