my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
