it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
