My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My vagina just recognized that song.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
