i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
