someone threw a dead crab at me
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
