I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
