Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
