Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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