in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
