and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
i've created a new STD.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
