Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
