U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
