I hate your face
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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