I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
