You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
