Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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