Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
