All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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