how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
