good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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