i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
