after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
