So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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