Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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