Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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